i miss you so much. it has been so hard to not cry everyday and i cant make that happen. i know you are not suffering anymore, but my heart is broken in a million pieces. sometimes i think i see you out of the corner of my eye. but i know if i say anything people will think i am nuts. but i know you are still around.
i see you in eddy. do i really ? or is it again just my missing you so much and longing for you. it was you and luna and me for a long time. you 2 helped me through some really bad times. always there for me. luna is getting old now and i know it is only a matter of time.. might be years and maybe not. but i know you will be waiting for her.
this is my second christmas without you. it hurts so much.
it is now christmas . and i am trying so hard to not cry but i am not making that happen. every time i think of the day i see luna and i think how i miss you and i know i will miss her as well. i remember how much you and luna loved christmas. with your new toys.. and rolling in the christmas paper. i miss that. elvis i miss you. i am sure you know tim passed away.. i hope he is around you.. this way i know someday i will see you again. you need to make tim understand what he did was wrong., and he wasted his life.. tho when i get with you tim will have to move on. i know your daddy misses you. he understands my tears. we have shed alot of tears for you.. and i guess i always will.. but know this my boy mommy loves you, and if a boy named michael ever comes to you he is my son. you never met him. he passed many years ago . in 1983 .. stay close to him.. i love you both
mommy.. tears tears tears
Monday September 3, 2007
So, we buried one of our dogs today...
My wife got Elvis (a cocker spaniel) and Luna (a shitzu) when she took them from people who had abused them. They'd been a "husband and wife" with her for more than ten years, if I'm not miscounting.
Elvis was very individual oriented, not liking most people. He wasn't nasty if you left him alone but if you tried to touch him and he didn't want you to, you learned it real quick.
I'd met my wife online early in 2000 and after some time I'd gone to meet her in person. I also met her dogs.
She warned me about Elvis but I kind of take "warnings" as "dares" and so petted him on the sly so he didn't quite know it was me doing it.
For whatever reason, he took to me like crazy and my wife took to calling him "my dog".
When we moved her and them to where I live, we drove a moving truck with them, her, and her stuff.
On the ride, he took sick and it seriously looked like we were going to lose him. He was so bad, you couldn't even get him to go for a walk of any kind.
By the time we got to our home, we were almost just waiting for the day when he would die. But he didn't. As near as we can tell, he took to eating the dirt and not long after, was good as new. Whether there was a connection we'll never know but it sure seemed that way.
During the last seven years, time passed... As a "master" I probably left something to be desired, but Elvis loved me anyway... I could have spent more time with him - but I find that's true for almost anyone and everything as far as it goes for me...
I don't know if it's because in the twenty plus years I've lived in our home I've had and lost so many pets that I don't like getting TOO attached anymore (though sometimes there's just not much to be done about that) or what... I'm not making excuses though...
So... the beginning of this year, Elvis developed a cough... a fairly constant thing... As with any cough for any one, we gave it a little time and when it didn't clear up, we checked in with the vets...
We got different diagnoses from four or five different vets at two establishments... Things such as asthma or allergies, collapsed trachea, infection...
And we got different treatments... steroids, stuff for allergies, antibiotics, cough syrups... Some of the stuff would seem to work at times and then sometimes it wouldn't... most of the stuff wasn't something that could safely be taken long term in the prescribed doses so we had to try to use minimal amounts...
Well, in the last couple of weeks, his cough seemed to clear up finally... so we started to wean him off some of the things (something the vets had hoped we could do long ago)...
Then a few days ago, his breathing became labored, so we put him back on some stuff... but he'd also developed congestion.
We called the vet on an emergency and took him in Sunday morning. The vet said he was running a slight fever, had bad congestion, and that his mucus membranes were very pale - an indication of severe anemia...
So, he wasn't real confident of a good long term prognosis but he gave us some antihistamine and steroids for us to give him shots of and gave him a shot of antibiotic and a wormer (just in case a parisite was causing the anemia)...
And we were giving him the shots and had taken to feeding him by syringe - had a few animals in the past that were real bad off that we managed to save by keeping them fed up...
Yesterday not long after getting back from the vet, Elvis fell over... we really figured that was it... we told him it was ok to let go if he wanted or needed to... My wife SORT of meant it because she really did NOT want him to go... but he'd been in a bad way...
This afternoon... I was doing a chore... and while I was gone, my wife tried to feed Elvis some... and he gave up on her... he finally let go...
We all miss him... I remember how I used to playfully swat him on the top of his butt and he'd stretch out to enjoy it... How when he was feeling better, when we let him out, he'd run over to the pen of some of the other dogs and bark at them, like he was telling them it was his yard... How he clawed the crap out of a couple of our wood floors because he hated to be closed up but we had to do it sometimes when we had company... How he took to me when, afterwards, he still wouldn't let people he'd known longer touch him... How he would try to hump some of our cats and how the cats were on such good terms with him that they'd let him... How, once, the first year up here, he'd ran off for like a week or so... and after he came back, had gotten fixed almost immediately after - how happy he must have been about that... How my wife would fix them all sorts of goodies... how she'd make them chicken soup and he'd sit right at the stove waiting for it... How after a bath and a thorough trim, he'd rub all over everything he could to get the "smell" out... How he would come out and lay in an area that I was in and wouldn't listen to my wife when she told him to get inside... How he had his favorite toys that he had chewed up so bad that we had to replace them as well as we were able... How if you howled right for long enough, he'd do what my wife called "Elvie song" and howl with you... How he'd try to collect and hide all of his toys when you vacuumed so that monster didn't take his toys... How he'd lay on his belly with his back legs stretched out behind him when he was getting REALLY comfortable... How, when he would get on the couch between my wife and I, if I scratched him, he'd push her away with his legs to give him more room...
So... we buried him today... wrapped in a blanket with two of his favorite toys... and lots of tears... he's not hurting anymore... so though it hurts for him to be gone, it's selfish to wish he wasn't...
Love you, Elvis...
May I go now
Don't you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain-filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I've lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be,
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?
I didn't want to go at first.
I fought with all my might!
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.
I want to go! I really do!
It's difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day .
To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you're sad and are afraid
because I see your tears.
I'll not be far, I promise that,
and hope you'll always know
that my spirit will be close to you
wherever you may go.
Thank you so for loving me.
You know I loved you too.
That's why it's hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.
So hold me now, just one more time,
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you'll let me go today.
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here"
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you as you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you toward the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, as you sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew..
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand side by side,
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.